Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
