so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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