please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
