every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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