I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
