Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
