Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
