I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
