The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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