seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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