his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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