No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I want is dick and wine.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
