Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
