Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
