I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize