i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
