are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
