I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
