Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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