Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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