dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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