I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
