Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
