Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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