Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
