If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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