omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
