I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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