Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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