Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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