Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
