If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
