I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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