May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
