Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
