"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
