At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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