Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just google imaged poop.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This is classic penis vs brain.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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