im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
