when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Pants are for mortals
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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