True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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