FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
