Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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