Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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