you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
