if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
