its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
