i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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