I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
