u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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