Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
