i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
