Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
