I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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