my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
