I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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