why didn't you poke me back
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize