Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
