His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
