My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
