I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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